Here’s another idea that will change your life: when you do something or when you relate with someone, where are you coming from? What’s your internal state?
I once read that there are only two possible internal states: love or fear.
Since then, I’ve been testing the truth of that simplification, and I have to say it’s very powerful and can always be applied.
If you are approaching from fear, everything will be scary. You will be defensive and, as a consequence, ready to attack, if necessary. You will be tense. You will see the situation as a circumstance in which there is a possibility of losing something, and that something doesn’t have to be material. In fact, most of the time, it’s the opposite: you see your situation as the opportunity for potential loss of a belief that you have about yourself. That is, that you are a good person, unselfish, honest, caring, or whatever other idea you have about yourself.
The other possibility is that you come from a state of love. In that state, you will feel relaxed and at peace. You dilute the barriers between the world and yourself, and you don’t see the world or the other person’s interests as different than your own. Your focus is not on yourself, and you don’t care about the impression you will make on others. When you come from love, you will be able to focus on the present moment, and you will see everything flowing in the same direction. Your point of view is much bigger than the one provided by your limited self: you’re open and defenseless because there’s nothing to defend.
Now my question to you is this:
From which of those two states do you usually come?
You can try to answer this question mentally, that is, going back to your memories and trying to check which one of the two descriptions above fits better with the situations you’ve lived. But there’s also a shortcut that I find to usually be more effective. So, let’s try restating the question:
How do you usually feel: tense or relaxed?
If your answer is “tense,” you are coming from fear.
If your answer is “relaxed,” you are coming from love.
It’s that simple.
The good news is that, regardless of your situation, you can decide which emotion you want to embody. So, if you notice that you’re coming from fear, change it in favor of love and see how your life changes.